Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!

Don't do anything Suciô wouldn't do.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Red On The Head, Fire In Bed?

Remember when booking flights to always choose a quality airline like British Airways. Don't believe everything you read. This is particularly true of the scrappy, discount airlines.

Your reactions to yesterday's post got us wondering: would Sarah Palin be more or less polarizing as a redhead?

Icy Airline Investors Shrug Off Blizzard
Despite loses due to snowstorms earlier this month, and the impact of the more severe disruption caused by volcanic ash in the spring, airline stocks have hardly suffered. Shares of British Airways and Deutsche Lufthansa are up more than 40% this year, shares of United Continental Holdings more than 80%. This week's U.S. blizzard barely registered on stock prices.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Another Hot Red-Head

Firstly, a little housekeeping: Our last few posts confused Google's bots a little so, to nudge them on the right tracks, here's a gentle reminder that we want to help our readers to find the cheapest flights on British Airways and other airlines. This is for your air-travel scrapbooks. When you think about it, air-travel is such a lottery: you might end up sitting next to an exotic dancer in a dress that shouldn't be allowed, or it might be some delusional ginger guy with a fake birth certificate. Ah, the romance of travel. (Still reading this small print? Boring flight?)

Our post on the wretched antipodean ginge Julie Gillard prompted The Angry Vegetarian to remark that he thinks Obama would look interesting as a ginger.

I think we'd be bitching about President Hillary now if Obama looked like this.

An Apology

We owe our readers an apology for the title of yesterday's post - "Climbing The Greasy Pole In A Skirt". Many of you came here in a state of mildly perverted arousal expecting to find pictures of skanky exotic dancers with poor personal hygiene. To have instead encountered pictures of Barney Frank's smoking muzzles must have been quite sexually confusing for you.

The "greasy pole" metaphor is from the great 19th century British statesman Benjamin Disraeli. On becoming Prime Minister for the first time in 1868, Disraeli is reported to have said "I have climbed to the top of the greasy pole".

The phrase has since been used for any politician who has clawed his way to the top despite obstacles like having the most Jewish name ever.

The pole is especially greasy for female politicians.

At any rate, we'll try to avoid misleading, titillating titles in future posts.
Airlines play huge game of catch-up in NYC area
Runways at the area's three major airports — Kennedy, LaGuardia and Newark — were all open Wednesday morning, officials said, but they cautioned that it might take days for all the passengers who've been camping out to get flights.
"I waited 4 hours in the queue just to speak to someone," he said. "Just to get the news that I have to wait a few more days. They really need to have a backup plan. I will never ever travel again in December, never on American Airlines, and never through New York."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Climbing The Greasy Pole In A Skirt

For the past few days we've neglected our coverage of great bargain flights with British Airways and other quality airlines to have fun at the expense of some famous female politicians.

We didn't set out to feature women only - it just came out that way. So why does it just "come out that way"? What is it about women in politics that gets the creative juices flowing? Are women naturally more divisive or is Suciô just a misogynistic, overgrown boy who gets a kick out of teasing girls? We think it's a little of both.

There are no politicians in America who are more polarizing than Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin. Love them or hate them; there's no quite liking them.

But, why? Why in 2008 did Palin seem like more of a joke candidate than a community activist and absentee senator, whose only qualifications were youth and blackness, or two political hacks, whose only qualifications were age and whiteness?

Why does the Secretary of State make Suciô's flesh crawl? Yes, she's an utterly corrupt political opportunist who has milked family connections to grift her way into office - but who isn't? (Suciô is open to offers from female members of the Bush or Kennedy clans.)

Whatever the reason, Suciô isn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. We'll continue to make fun of women political figures whenever we feel like it. In the meantime, to show we're equal opportunity bigots, here's a fat old fagbot:

Under Massachusetts law, fembots can be male.

(For the record, Suciô thinks that Pelosi is a disgrace to the office of Speaker, Merkel is the best Chancellor in recent history - big deal - and Gillard is God's vengeance on the stupid Aussie electorate.)

Airport Delays Are Expected to Persist for Several Days
Buried beneath snow for more than 24 hours, New York area airports turned Tuesday to the growing backlog of canceled flights, an accumulation that could take far longer to address than the blizzard itself.
Even as flights resumed, ripple effects from more than 4,000 canceled flights threatened to leave passengers stranded through the New Year.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Julie Gillard Unmasked

Our thanks to reader Les for pointing out that Australian Prime Minister Julie Gillard is another plastic premier.

Obama may be crap but at least he's not ginger.

Thousand-Strong Crowd Riots At Russian Airport After Delays
MOSCOW -(Dow Jones)- A thousand-strong crowd of angry passengers stormed barricades at Russia's busiest airport Monday after being delayed more than 24 hours by a power outage, local news agencies reported. An ice storm Sunday caused power to fail at the airport, which did not have an emergency electricity source. Passengers reported being held in crowded waiting areas and not being given hot food or water.

Angela Merkel Unmasked

Today's political fembot is German Chancellor Angela Merkel. An early model, the Merkel-unit suffers from awkward movement, sudden u-turns and a tendency to lose her charge.

♪♫Wir sind die roboter♫♪
The tell-tale jerking movements of an early model fembot.

To conserve power, the Merkel-unit short-circuits her extremities.

President Bush slips an AAA into Merkel.

Snow cancels 4,000 flights, shuts NYC airports
A strong Christmas-weekend blizzard paralyzed travel along much of the East Coast on Monday, halting flights at the three NYC airports as well as several others in the region.
And for those stranded, airport and airline officials warned it could take "days" before airlines can find empty seats on other flights for all of those passengers.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Nancy Pelosi Unmasked

Jimmy Wales' blog describes the Uncanny Valley effect as "when robots and other facsimiles of humans look and act almost like actual humans, it causes a response of revulsion among human observers". No replicant in American politics illustrates this phenomenon better than (soon to be Former) Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

We'll be outing more psychotic replicants and alien reptiloids in future posts.

(Suggestions in the comments please.)

At Logan airport, the word of the day is 'canceled'
A sea of anxious passengers filled the terminals at Logan International Airport, many glued to cellphones, updating friends and relatives about their travel plans. Passengers could be heard calling drivers who brought them to the airport, asking them to circle back and take them home. BECAUSE IT NEVER SNOWS IN NEW ENGLAND IN DECEMBER.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas To All Our Readers

A Public Service Announcement

Many of you will be taking advantage of excellent last-minute flight offers from British Airways and other high quality airlines. For those staying at home and attending Christmas parties, a word of caution:


Calls to deny Heathrow chief his bonus
Colin Matthews, 55, of the airports operator BAA, has been paid more than £1 million this year, twice as much as the company spent preparing for the prospect of bad weather this winter.

Merry Christmas Colin!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ann Coulter - The Verdict

We finally got through to <the world's favorite airline> yesterday and they confirmed the obvious - we're here for the duration. We'll continue to add airline-related news to our posts for a while because we're now getting British Airways ads and revenge is a dish best served "within 30 days of the end of the month in which your balance first exceeds $100".

The polls are about to close and we can announce the results:

Some of you were fooled by the clumsy transvestite disguise but most correctly inferred that Ann Coulter is an Alien Reptiloid.

Our thanks to Unablogger for pointing out that Michelle Malkin is her hive-mate.

Madonna and entourage released from grounded Virgin flight 2hrs ahead of mere mortals
Passengers on a Virgin Atlantic flight diverted from Heathrow to London Stansted had to wait on the tarmac for three hours before they were taken off the jet and brought into the airport -- all except Madonna and her entourage, who were taken off in about an hour. Madonna had reportedly been horrifying her fellow first-class passengers by practicing yoga in the aisles while they were held hostage in the aircraft. (QPV8VYUMR5NB)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Is She or Isn't She : Ann Coulter

Day 5, and <the world's favorite airline> still isn't answering the phone. While we wait, let's find an answer to one of the more pressing political questions of the day. Study the picture carefully and give your answer in the poll below.

What is Ann's genotype?
Snow 'has cost British Airways £40m in lost profits'
BA operates 555 flights a day in and out of Heathrow – but since Saturday has been flying less than a third of that.
On Saturday, all flights ceased at 10am, with BA losing about 450 services. On Sunday, it flew just 20 to 30 flights, while the past two days have each seen about 150.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sophisticated Political Analysis

With all the distraction caused by <the world's favorite airline> we've been neglecting our core mission - the provision of cogent political analysis:

 Heathrow Airport, one of the world's busiest international air hubs, faced a torrent of criticism Tuesday after it cancelled more than 700 takeoffs and landings, continuing snarls that began with a weekend snowstorm that arrived at the height of holiday travel season.
Germany's main air hub, Frankfurt, was forced to cancel almost 300 flights and Heathrow Airport in the UK said it would continue to run only 30% of flights until 0600 GMT on Wednesday.

Over 9,000 Pageviews!

* Offer terms
  1. Entrants must be residents of the State of Euphoria, Delusion or Delerium and be 99 years of age or older (and have your parent's permission).
  2. Employees of LLC, its parent, subsidiaries, contest sponsors, affiliated companies, advertising and promotion agencies, any other media, and the immediate family members (i.e., spouses, parents, grandparents, children, grandchildren, and siblings) of each of the above are eligible to enter and/or to win. Everybody else ISN'T.

Amid mounting criticism of Heathrow's response to the weekend's snowfall, airline passengers were told to expect delays and flight cancellations "beyond Christmas Day".
Snow and ice grounded two thirds of flights at Heathrow yesterday, with Terminals One and Three becoming so congested that passengers were told to stay away.
Some travellers faced a fourth night sleeping in terminal buildings in the hope of getting on a plane.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Five Stages of Grief

Still no answer from <the world's favorite airline>. I need closure. I need to be absolutely sure that there's no way I can make my journey by Christmas. Then I can get on with my inner journey through the Kübler-Ross model's five stages of grief.

 1. DENIAL: They can't have shut down the airport for a couple of inches of snow.

2. ANGER: They shut down the f*cking airport for a couple of inches of snow! 

3. BARGAINING: If I could just get through to the help desk, I'd take anything.

4. DEPRESSION: Two f*cking weeks of "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

5. ACCEPTANCE: I've never watched it. Maybe I'll like it... Maybe.

From "Top Ten Tips for Getting the Cheapest Airfare"
by Michael Bluejay - Award-winning writer.

#9 For U.S. to Europe, fly to London first.

Thanks a bundle Michael!

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

The image in yesterday's post (on the left above) is Blake's Nebuchadnezzar (1795). The Babylonian king is shown driven to madness and despair by the incessant chorusing of his Hebrew slaves. The image on the right is a late-Victorian (?) picture of the Yeti (from a Monster Madnezz post).

Do they have Hebrews in the Himalayas?

Not For Human Consumption

<The world's favorite airline> are still not answering their phone. Until they do, we'll continue to post flight/travel related items, because a) it's therapeutic and b) it's lucrative. (Airline ads pay very well for some reason.) To keep the bots on the scent we'll be adding flight-related mumbo-jumbo to any posts that would otherwise be "off-message".

The flagship of our fleet, the Airbus A380, lifts into the sky with airy grace. It's NASA-rated fly-by-wire systems give the pilot the tools he needs to get you to your destination in comfort and safety.

Thank you for flying Suciô Airlines.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Aqua Buddha Travelog - #05

I never want to hear "the Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves" again.


English Translation
Va, pensiero, sull'ali dorate;
va, ti posa sui clivi, sui colli,
ove olezzano tepide e molli
l'aure dolci del suolo natal!

Del Giordano le rive saluta,
di Sionne le torri atterrate...
Oh mia patria sì bella e perduta!
Oh membranza sì cara e fatal!

Arpa d'or dei fatidici vati,
perché muta dal salice pendi?
Le memorie nel petto raccendi,
ci favella del tempo che fu!

O simile di Sòlima ai fati
traggi un suono di crudo lamento,
o t'ispiri il Signore un concento
che ne infonda al patire virtù.
Fly, thought, on wings of gold;
go settle upon the slopes and the hills,
where, soft and mild, the sweet airs
of our native land smell fragrant!

Greet the banks of the Jordan
and Zion's toppled towers...
Oh, my country so lovely and lost!
Oh, remembrance so dear and so fraught with despair!

Golden harp of the prophetic seers,
why dost thou hang mute upon the willow?
Rekindle our bosom's memories,
and speak of times gone by!

Mindful of the fate of Jerusalem,
either give forth an air of sad lamentation,
or else let the Lord imbue us
with fortitude to bear our sufferings!

Aqua Buddha Travelog - #04

Calling the airline we finally got past the "all our lines are busy" message in the middle of the night. Got as far as "Please hold: an operator will be with you in four...hundred...sixty...four minutes".

Why would an airline model its call center on Dante's Purgatory?

The world's favorite airline.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Aqua Buddha Travelog - #03

WTF!? my flight was cancelled: "wrong kind of snow at Heathrow". Next available flight's not 'till Christmas Day. Nah. Should have booked with an airline who can handle a bit of snow.


So now I'm stuck here in the cold with an empty fridge. And worse yet, an empty wine-rack.

Our Research Department.

First stop's the wine merchant, then call in a pizza strike. And maybe pick up a sun-lamp.

Aqua Buddha Travelog - #02

This crew's the best for in-flight safety

Friday, December 17, 2010

Aqua Buddha Travelog - #01

We'll be on the road for the next couple of weeks - posting a card whenever we get internet access.

 Communing with the Aqua Buddha.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


Suciô has had enough of the cold weather. We'll be spending the next couple of weeks communing with the Aqua Buddha in a land of cheap red wine and dial-up internet access. We'll try to send a postcard from each stop along the way.

Cat, bong & loli - a /b/ trifecta.

I think I'm going to be sick