Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Top Tips for Federal Employees #1

Today I'd like to extend a helping hand to overworked Federal employees with some simple heuristics to reduce their workload.

#1 TSA: Terrorists are circumcised.
This one's easy: 95% of male terrorists are circumcised. (The other 5% are Irish or Basque and probably aren't interested in blowing up Pittsburgh.) The TSA already has the scanners in place and can easily detect "hoodies" so why not just wave them through? What's the point of patting down a guy with a foreskin?

#2 FBI: Spies are gay.
This one's more contentious, but our in-depth analysis suggests that in peace-time 75% of male spies are "friends of Dorothy". We think the FBI might have confused "Don't ask, don't tell" with "positive vetting". Here's a simple rule of thumb: if a guy handling sensitive communications turns up for work in a dress, lip-syncing Lady Gaga, you might want to pat him down.

We realize that these simple rules might give offense to some of our more sensitive readers. (Or, in the case of genital amputees, our less sensitive readers.)

Please send your comments and complaints to my personal secretary:

38 comments:

  1. I'll take the extra time at the security checkpoint if it means not going through life with a dog dong... :-P

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  2. Hang on now...I was under the impression that ritual mutilation of newborn penises is almost exclusively the domain of Jews and WASP North Americans. Are you suggesting that these individuals are responsible for 95% of all terrorist acts? The ADL might be interested in your views. It would be a shame if something happened to your lovely website...

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  3. Wait? So they're looking for uncut penises at the airport?

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  4. Yes Omi, it's a good thing I'm cut!

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  5. no its not. it would have been good if you werent.

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  6. Oh my god, the guy on the pic is so ugly :(... It scares me...

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  7. I'm a wee bit jealous.. The dude can rock those pumps better than I can.. Sigh!!

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  8. are these true? (i hope they are cuz if this is a joke then this question makes me look really dumb)...hmmm circumsized eh, no kidding..thats quite the stat.

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  9. More baseballs kill people a year than guns.

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  10. At least now I can help law enforcement look for terrorists! btw Love the shoes the guy in the picture is wearing.

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  11. "Irish or Basque and probably aren't interested in blowing up Pittsburgh."

    You just gave Al-Qaeda there next idea. Recruit Irish people.

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  12. Haha, I read the "lady gaga" article some time back before. I thought it was such a hilarious way to transfer data, but he could have easily chosen a more "appropriate" artist.

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  13. cut penis, lip-syncing lady gaga, and speaking with a feminine voice... best ways to spot a terrorist haha

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  14. I've forwarded this list to my congressman. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling ASAP

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  15. where does this info come from? O.o

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  16. I am circumsized, but not a terrorist. I am also atheist and don't believe in any of the nonsense religious stories of why you should be circumsized. It really wasn't my choice, I had no say in it, but I do think it looks better =)

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  17. wow your secriatary is attractive

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  18. Saved the pic, find it calming :P
    I am also not a terrorist, but I'm not uncut :O

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  19. spies are gay? oh didnt know that :D

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  20. Shhiiiitttt, I'm going to scratch the FBI off the list for possible future employment

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  21. The bit about the Irish made me chuckle. A lot of people forget or don't know about the P.I.R.A. That aside, I'd love to see you in depth analysis.

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  22. lol such a hilarious pic :D cool post though

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  23. According to this, I am a terrorist and a spy. I'm cut and sing Gaga all the time. Not so sure on the gay part though, you would have to ask my wife and kids.

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  24. Haha, wouldn't want him walking past my front door any time soon

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  25. if i saw a guy on the street like this I would ROFL!

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  26. i hear they're a very reputable source!

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  27. your secretary has got some leeeegs.

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