Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Top Tips for Federal Employees #1

Today I'd like to extend a helping hand to overworked Federal employees with some simple heuristics to reduce their workload.

#1 TSA: Terrorists are circumcised.
This one's easy: 95% of male terrorists are circumcised. (The other 5% are Irish or Basque and probably aren't interested in blowing up Pittsburgh.) The TSA already has the scanners in place and can easily detect "hoodies" so why not just wave them through? What's the point of patting down a guy with a foreskin?

#2 FBI: Spies are gay.
This one's more contentious, but our in-depth analysis suggests that in peace-time 75% of male spies are "friends of Dorothy". We think the FBI might have confused "Don't ask, don't tell" with "positive vetting". Here's a simple rule of thumb: if a guy handling sensitive communications turns up for work in a dress, lip-syncing Lady Gaga, you might want to pat him down.

We realize that these simple rules might give offense to some of our more sensitive readers. (Or, in the case of genital amputees, our less sensitive readers.)

Please send your comments and complaints to my personal secretary:

Posted by Suciô Sanchez at 23:57

34 comments:

  1. VaporDecember 1, 2010 at 12:09 AM

    I'll take the extra time at the security checkpoint if it means not going through life with a dog dong... :-P

    ReplyDelete
  2. OmiDecember 1, 2010 at 12:47 AM

    Wait? So they're looking for uncut penises at the airport?

    ReplyDelete
  3. WillowDecember 1, 2010 at 1:26 AM

    Yes Omi, it's a good thing I'm cut!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mike LitorisDecember 1, 2010 at 4:55 AM

    no its not. it would have been good if you werent.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Telia TuliDecember 1, 2010 at 6:31 AM

    lol
    welp
    can't argue with these

    ReplyDelete
  6. Michael VDecember 1, 2010 at 7:02 AM

    Oh my god, the guy on the pic is so ugly :(... It scares me...

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousDecember 1, 2010 at 7:49 AM

    I'm a wee bit jealous.. The dude can rock those pumps better than I can.. Sigh!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mister SharafDecember 1, 2010 at 8:01 AM

    nice post :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. MikeyBDecember 1, 2010 at 8:10 AM

    are these true? (i hope they are cuz if this is a joke then this question makes me look really dumb)...hmmm circumsized eh, no kidding..thats quite the stat.

    ReplyDelete
  10. LongkidDecember 1, 2010 at 8:28 AM

    More baseballs kill people a year than guns.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bird Shit December 1, 2010 at 10:23 AM

    At least now I can help law enforcement look for terrorists! btw Love the shoes the guy in the picture is wearing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. meDecember 1, 2010 at 12:53 PM

    "Irish or Basque and probably aren't interested in blowing up Pittsburgh."

    You just gave Al-Qaeda there next idea. Recruit Irish people.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tal ZahnDecember 1, 2010 at 1:27 PM

    Haha, I read the "lady gaga" article some time back before. I thought it was such a hilarious way to transfer data, but he could have easily chosen a more "appropriate" artist.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Chris SedunDecember 1, 2010 at 2:00 PM

    I've forwarded this list to my congressman. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling ASAP

    ReplyDelete
  15. LeddiDecember 1, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    where does this info come from? O.o

    ReplyDelete
  16. cooperlifeDecember 1, 2010 at 2:09 PM

    I am circumsized, but not a terrorist. I am also atheist and don't believe in any of the nonsense religious stories of why you should be circumsized. It really wasn't my choice, I had no say in it, but I do think it looks better =)

    ReplyDelete
  17. 123December 1, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    strut it gurlfran~

    ReplyDelete
  18. BrutDecember 1, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    wow your secriatary is attractive

    ReplyDelete
  19. HitchcockDecember 1, 2010 at 2:24 PM

    lold at the pic

    ReplyDelete
  20. caretakerDecember 1, 2010 at 2:41 PM

    funny guy

    ReplyDelete
  21. IDDQDDecember 1, 2010 at 2:45 PM

    Saved the pic, find it calming :P
    I am also not a terrorist, but I'm not uncut :O

    ReplyDelete
  22. The Angry VegetarianDecember 1, 2010 at 3:00 PM

    lo, wtf?

    ReplyDelete
  23. level85nerdDecember 1, 2010 at 3:34 PM

    spies are gay? oh didnt know that :D

    ReplyDelete
  24. Monster MadnessDecember 1, 2010 at 3:43 PM

    Ehm... good tips xD

    ReplyDelete
  25. MikeDecember 1, 2010 at 4:03 PM

    Shhiiiitttt, I'm going to scratch the FBI off the list for possible future employment

    ReplyDelete
  26. The Game Store GuyDecember 1, 2010 at 4:07 PM

    The bit about the Irish made me chuckle. A lot of people forget or don't know about the P.I.R.A. That aside, I'd love to see you in depth analysis.

    ReplyDelete
  27. HoshiDecember 1, 2010 at 4:19 PM

    lol such a hilarious pic :D cool post though

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousDecember 1, 2010 at 4:44 PM

    funny pic !

    ReplyDelete
  29. Come At Me BroDecember 1, 2010 at 5:22 PM

    Nice secretary!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Classically Trained NubDecember 1, 2010 at 6:31 PM

    According to this, I am a terrorist and a spy. I'm cut and sing Gaga all the time. Not so sure on the gay part though, you would have to ask my wife and kids.

    ReplyDelete
  31. AnonymousDecember 1, 2010 at 7:29 PM

    Haha, wouldn't want him walking past my front door any time soon

    ReplyDelete
  32. AnonymousDecember 1, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    if i saw a guy on the street like this I would ROFL!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Das Auto!December 1, 2010 at 10:50 PM

    i hear they're a very reputable source!

    ReplyDelete
  34. MRanthropeDecember 5, 2010 at 2:37 PM

    your secretary has got some leeeegs.

    ReplyDelete

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