Today I'd like to extend a helping hand to overworked Federal employees with some simple heuristics to reduce their workload.
#1 TSA: Terrorists are circumcised.
This one's easy: 95% of male terrorists are circumcised. (The other 5% are Irish or Basque and probably aren't interested in blowing up Pittsburgh.) The TSA already has the scanners in place and can easily detect "hoodies" so why not just wave them through? What's the point of patting down a guy with a foreskin?
#2 FBI: Spies are gay.
This one's more contentious, but our in-depth analysis suggests that in peace-time 75% of male spies are "friends of Dorothy". We think the FBI might have confused "Don't ask, don't tell" with "positive vetting". Here's a simple rule of thumb: if a guy handling sensitive communications turns up for work in a dress, lip-syncing Lady Gaga, you might want to pat him down.
We realize that these simple rules might give offense to some of our more sensitive readers. (Or, in the case of genital amputees, our less sensitive readers.)
Please send your comments and complaints to my personal secretary: