Top Tips for Federal Employees #1

Today I'd like to extend a helping hand to overworked Federal employees with some simple heuristics to reduce their workload.

#1 TSA: Terrorists are circumcised.
This one's easy: 95% of male terrorists are circumcised. (The other 5% are Irish or Basque and probably aren't interested in blowing up Pittsburgh.) The TSA already has the scanners in place and can easily detect "hoodies" so why not just wave them through? What's the point of patting down a guy with a foreskin?

#2 FBI: Spies are gay.
This one's more contentious, but our in-depth analysis suggests that in peace-time 75% of male spies are "friends of Dorothy". We think the FBI might have confused "Don't ask, don't tell" with "positive vetting". Here's a simple rule of thumb: if a guy handling sensitive communications turns up for work in a dress, lip-syncing Lady Gaga, you might want to pat him down.

We realize that these simple rules might give offense to some of our more sensitive readers. (Or, in the case of genital amputees, our less sensitive readers.)

Please send your comments and complaints to my personal secretary:

Mustapha_Kutfagh@vote-sanchez.com

More Hot Birkini/Burkini Action

The blog's been a bit dreary lately - with all the pictures of Dear Leader and Pyongyang erections.

♪♫Girls just wanna have fu-un♫♪- disco re-mix.

Sucileaks - Document Dump

So, Julian Assange has finally made good on his threat to dump a large cache of leaked US diplomatic cables. At some future date Suciô will post his 2¢ on the wisdom of employing a flaming GaGa fan to handle sensitive communications. For now, we'd like to concentrate on the important part of this story: the amount of Adsense traffic that wikileaks is getting. After much thought, Suciô has decided that he wants a piece of the action. We therefore present a secret British diplomatic cable that came into our possession some time ago.

A transcript of this sensitive document follows:

H.M. EMBASSY
MOSCOW

Lord Pembroke
The Foreign Office
LONDON

6th April 1943

My Dear Reggie,

        In these dark days man tends to look for
little shafts of light that spill from Heaven. My
days are probably darker than yours, and I need,
my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a
decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and
selfish about what little brightness is shed upon
me from time to time. So I propose to share with
you a tiny flash that has illuminated my sombre
life and tell you that God has given me a new
Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he
is called Mustapha Kunt.

       We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then,
especially when Spring is upon us, but few of us
would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk
to do that.

(Signed)

Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr,
H.M. Ambassador.

North Korea - A Fair and Balanced™ View

Recently we've been less than serious in our coverage of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Today we aim to show that we're every bit as "Fair and Balanced"™ as Fox News. Together with the People's Ministry of Truth and Enlightenment we'd like to bring you some images of the real DPRK, The DPRK that the corporatist lackeys of the mainstream media don't want you to see.

The Pyongyang skyline, featuring the biggest erection in the Korean Peninsular.

Pyongyang's markets and restaurants are filled with top quality staple foods.

Finally, we bring you a picture of Dear Leader, Eternal President Kim Jong-il with his sister, General (****) Kim Kyong-hui visiting a paintbrush factory in Longdong province.

아들아, 우리는 화필 있습니다.

TSA To Target Asian Women in Boots

By now you've all seen the pictures of President Obama with a fat lip after a supposed "basketball injury" yesterday. We ask, what's more likely: that the President was elbowed by a worker for the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute, or that he was the victim of a ritual humiliation by a highly trained North Korean woman kick-assassin?

Ninja-like, the kick-assassin uses stealth and natural cover to evade Secret Service Agents.

Back in Pyongyang, squad mates discuss the success of the operation.

Thanksgiving Parade

Suciô hopes that you had a productive and restful Thanksgiving. Suciô was in New York City for the annual parade through Brooklyn Heights by some of his more ardent supporters.

Community outreach

A Thanksgiving Message From Kim Jong-Il

A Thanksgiving Message From Michael Moore & the TSA

Political Memes #3 - Butthurt Basement Dweller

In American political life, there can be only one living breathing Butthurt Basement Dweller. Michael Moore has built an entire career out of being fat, ill-informed and obnoxious. He's been so successful in this that he now lives in a penthouse basement in the Upper West Side.

Recently he's been stalking W.'s book-pimping tour trying to get one of his flaky films on what's left of network TV. At the end of the day, he's just a particularly repellant cam-whore.

No caption required.

Great Political Oxymorons #1 - House Ethics Committee

"LOL Irresponsible Behavior."

So, the House Ethics Committee votes to "Censure" Charlie. Whoop. Dee. Doo. He shouldn't be too disheartened: their last major bust was Newt Gingrich and in some circles he's being talked of as a possible Republican presidential candidate in 2012.

 Kim Il-Sung did a better job for his people.

The real scandal here isn't the charade of House Ethics, or Rangel's two-bit hustles. The real scandal is that, after serving his country so bravely in Korea, he has served the people of Harlem so badly for the past four decades. Think for a moment how Harlem residents have fared relative to South Koreans over that period. In fact, how have Harlem residents fared relative to North Koreans?

Famous Politician Body Scans #2 - Suciô Sanchez

U Jelly?

Fair Use

Today I'd like to consider "fair use" in the context of blogs. The issue of manipulation of copyrighted images is well exemplified by the case of the Obama "Hope" poster. Here, the A.P. sued the creator of the poster claiming that the work was based on a photo of Obama taken by one of its freelance photographers.

Reading the linked article, Suciô has a couple of takeaways:

• the pot of money involved, $800k, was big enough to attract legal flies,
• the artist covered up his use of the original picture.

Suciô will happy acknowledge claims of ownership of images by any renaissance artists, long-dead photographers or shyster lawyers who wish to contact him. They are welcome to their share of the miniscule puddle of imaginary money that Adsense will find some excuse to avoid paying at some future date.

 Suciô is particularly keen to hear from the East European tentacle-scat-pornographers responsible for the image underlying Cthulthu girl:

Sauce?!

Suciô does not wish to hear from the owner of Barney Frank's body.

Political Memes #3 - The Most Interesting Man In The World

Today's post started out as a simple hômage to the Most Interesting Man In The World meme but soon became a reflection on the rôle of facial hair in modern politics. Think for a moment, how many current politicians with beards do you know? The only members of Congress Suciô could name with any facial hair are Henry Waxman and Charlie Rangel. Even in the past, when mustaches and beards were far more fashionable, candidates had to sacrifice the fungus to get elected.

Hitler before his Brazilian: would you vote for this man?

So, if there are no bearded politicians, how about a bearded political appointee? Which brings us to Ben Bernanke - the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and possibly The Most Boring Man in the World.

Boring Ben Bernanke.

Playing It Safe

Suciô was planning to produce a whole series of posts on the theme of "Body Scans of the Rich and Famous". However, google AdSense have been a bit ban-hammer happy lately - several blogs which Suciô much enjoyed have been cut off for "inappropriate content". Suciô's advisers feel that he is on safer ground with pædo-scat-hentai. (Suciô would like to thank a valued reader for his request for "a young boy urinating".)

Suciô contributing to the blogosphere.

I'm From the Government and I'm Here to Help

Body Scan or Pat Down?

Today we turn to the subject of the TSA's new security regulations. The political elite generally get to avoid the issue by flying in private jets - like John Kerry's "Flying Squirrel" or Fmr Speaker Pelosi's Gulfstream or Barney Frank's borrowed ride. When they do have to travel with the hoi poloi it often ends in tears. We wonder what the impact will be of leaked pictures of (say) Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on the front cover of Fangoria:

It's a trap!

Noooooooooooooooooo!

Luke, I am your father.

Political Memes #2 - Stoner Dog

Today's meme is Stoner Dog. For those of you not au fait, here's a politicized version:

"Who's a good president then?"

So, who in political life best embodies the Stoner Dog ideal? There are lots of candidates (like these two muppets) but Suciô thinks the prize goes to The Honorable Patrick "Patches" Kennedy.

"I've never worked a f*cking day in my life."

We've all been there (pulled out of the wreck of our car by cops at 3am, that is), but most of us don't have a prominent politician father to bail us out. (Okay these two muppets did.)

At least junior never killed anybody.

Don't forget your brace son.

Special post for MRanthrope

MRanthrope said that he'd slap an "Insanity Suciô" bumper sticker on the back of his pick up...if he had a pick up, and he was retarded. Well here's a bumper sticker so he's at least 1/3 of the way there!

Be the envy of other gap-toothed yokels...

Political Memes #1 - Insanity Wolf

After all the kinder, gentler nonsense of the past few days, Suciô would like to reassure his core supporters that he hasn't deserted them. He is still a man of destiny, a man of iron. For you my brethren:

Have a nice day.

So You Think You Can Dance?

Today Suciô will demonstrate to youthful voters that he has "da movz".
He would like to thank KTOTHES for showing him the steps to this barbaric jig.

♫ Never gonna give you up ♪

Reaction You Can Believe In

Suciô's advisers urge him to continue pandering to the "Deval Patrick" demographic.
So be it.

My contempt for you knows no bounds.

A Kinder, Gentler Suciô

Results from our weekly focus group testing are in and reactions to this week's posts range from "mean-spirited" and "hate-filled" to "vituperative". Mindful of the Massachusetts Gubernatorial race, where the bumbling Ewok Deval Patrick defeated his opponent by appealing to women, youths and metrosexuals, Suciô's advisers feel that he needs to soften his image.

Our staff psychologists calculate that the following picture will elicit feelings of warmth and cuddliness.

Enjoy! Weak-minded fools.

Birkini Babe

Girls just wanna have fu-un.

More hot burkini/birkini action here.

Postcard from India

Having a lovely time. Don't forget to feed Biden.

(See the original and some great work here)

Foreign Relations #2 - India

Well, our beloved President is in India. He should feel right at home there - after all, the the kind of post-colonial grievence culture we discussed yesterday was born there. On independence the Indian establishment built a national myth of shared oppression in an attempt to unite Hindus and Muslims.

The Indian National Myth

Sadly, inevitably, Indian independence came at a low point in British political culture. Post independence India was dominated by politicians such as Nehru who had been thoroughly indoctrinated in Fabian Socialism (in his case, at Harrow and Cambridge).

For much of the next sixty years, the Indian government did all it could to suppress entrepreneurship and free markets. But, stimulated by the explosive growth in the outsourcing sector, the Indian establishment has now seen the light and the country is finally beginning to realize its potential.

What will it take for Obama to recognize the bankruptcy of  Socialism?

Workers in the vote-sanchez.com call center in Bombay (not Mumbai damnit).

Sonia Gandhi and Barack Obama discuss Indian agricultural exports to America.

Foreign Relations #1 - Britain and Obama

From day one, Obama has gone out of his way to offend the British. Suciô suspects that over the years Obama built up a personal myth of familial resistance to colonial oppression. He seems to have co-opted much of Caroline Elkins' bogus work on the Mau Mau uprising in order to inflate his narrative. After all, if a ditzy blond can black-up enough to snag a Harvard chair, why shouldn't the story embellish the credentials of a privileged community organizer? Stolen valor for professional race-baiters?

H.M. the Queen waves to President Obama.

The RAF Red Arrows in a salute to the President.

The Dog That Didn't Bark

One major national lobbying group was conspicuous by its absence this election - the National Rifle Association. Gun control is so firmly off the agenda that the NRA were even prepared to endorse the junior senator from Naboo. Will there ever be a day when the Taxed Enough Already movement is as organized, effective and creepy in its control of the Beltway?

The NRA gets cozy with the Obama administration.

Election Reactions #4 - Barney Frank

 A pensive Barney Frank reflects on the narrowness of his election victory.  

Thinks aren't looking too good for Barney; despite squeaking re-election in one of the most gerrymandered districts in the country, he faces a daunting list of challenges in the months ahead.

Firstly, with the change of control in the House, Frank will lose his coveted chairmanship of the House Financial services Committee (where he did such a sterling job of supervising Fannie & Freddie). Next, he faces House Ethics Committee scrutiny of his role in the OneUnited bank scandal. After that, falling census numbers mean that MA will lose a House seat in 2011. With Frank now viewed as damaged goods in DNC circles, his district is prime candidate to be cut.

Maybe, at 71, it's time for Frank to retire to his Maine hemp plantation.

Election Reactions #3 - Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin wowed supporters at a post election victory rally in Anchorage yesterday when she symbolically ripped the dick off of a DNC bear mascot. Taking a bite from the detached member, she drew whoops of applause from her audience as she told them
"I can see Obama's schlong from my house".

Fmr. Gov. Palin prepares to emasculate the DNC in effigy.

Election Reactions #2 - California

Spontaneous celebrations broke out in California Wednesday as residents celebrated the success of Democratic candidates in the state in Tuesday's elections.

An LA resident toasts Jerry Brown's victory.

Traditional LA cook-outs.

Retardant being dumped on California voters on Monday.

The State Treasurer elect prepares to grapple with CA's budget woes.

Election Reactions #1 New Hampshire

Reeling from the results of the elections in Massachusetts on Tuesday, New Hampshire residents scrambled to erect a fence on their Southern border - "to keep out the stupid".

Bemused Massachusetts residents inspect the new NH/MA border fence.

 A desperate Sox fan attempts to scale the fence.

 Guards man a crossing on the NH/MA border