Now for the ultimate feel-bad nostalgia candidate - Blondie.
Once she was a goddess, rising like Venus from a foam of adolescent semen.
Now, not so much. Botticelli would sooner cut off his hand than knock one out for Debbie.
Time for another candidate profile for the 2012 election. Today we bring you the ultimate green candidate - The Gribble.
Plans are afoot to use these loveley creatures to break down cellulose into sugars for conversion to bio-fuel. What could possibly go wrong with creating billions of giant, mutant, wood eating sea-lice?
That's all for today. Suciô's TCP packets are being carried by teams of specially trained mules and the beasts need to rest.
Well, Suciô's advice to the Frank campaign came a little too late.
In a bizarre incident, Barney's long time partner, traveling companion and "keen gardening enthusiast" James Ready was caught on camera stalking and heckling Sean Beilat.
My old friend Barney Frank has been under some pressure recently as the Beilat campaign has unfairly attacked him on his record and has repeatedly tried to drag issues into the debate. They even tried to make an issue of a few youthfulindiscretions and have attacked Barney for taking a well-earned vacation from the burden of representing his proud constituents.
Suciô's advice to Barney is to ignore these distractions, and to focus instead on the core issues that are most important to his devoted followers. We think this poster best sums up the approach that he should take.
Suciô thinks that Barney could learn a lot from the campaign of his fellow congressman, Anthony Weiner whose website reflects many of Barney's interests.
As discussed in his previous post, Suciô believes that the 2012 election will be one where electors want to vote for a feel-bad candidate. While confident that he has what it takes to win such a race, Suciô is worried that potential competition may emerge.
Suciô had thought to call today's piece "From Bromance to Tragedy" but, on reflection, the story of Patrick and Obama is the story of an electorate wallowing in smugness.
The radical wing of American politics has always been about self-righteousness: from the opposition of Yankee smugglers to British tariffs, to the abolitionism of slave-free Northerners, to the temperance of teetotalers and support for redistributive taxation from trustafarians. The left never feels better than when it's making grand gestures with other people's money. (Suciô is not attacking these causes - merely observing that their main supporters were not the ones picking up the tab.)
Today Suciô brings his political insight to bear on the Massachusetts gubernatorial race.
Despite all the endless column inches devoted to the contest the mainstream media is missing an obvious truth:
Deval Patrick is an Ewok.
His stumpy little body and squeaky voice are clearly designed to appeal to the young and simple minded
Virile, manly men like Suciô meanwhile find the little creature repellent.
Why do we elect politicians who seem to have been designed by George Lucas and a focus group of retards?